Tag Archives: artist residency in motherhood

Just show up… 

It’s really hard to focus in here… 

When I know all of this is waiting for me on the other side of the door… 

The beauty of having my woodshop right off the kitchen is that the baby monitor works in there, allowing me to hear when my little ones are waking up. Sometimes the lack of physical distance from all of the things that are easier to do while the kids sleep makes it harder to focus.

Or maybe I’m just looking for a reason to not focus… trying to avoid all those negative ninja gremlins waiting in the rafters of my studio to attack. 

Self doubt sucks. But it’s real and stupid but real and a pain in the ass but also real but also really lame and I wish it wasnt real but it is. 

I’ve been trying to just to show up. Not vanguish all evil or create a piece so stunning the art world can sense it’s existence and seeks it out so they can hold it up as the greatest peice ever made… I just need to show up. 

It’s not easy. I can feel the weight of all of the meanial and safe daily tasks trying to pull me away… the pile of dirty clothes luring me into the laundry room with promises of finally seeing the bottom of the hamper… images of a clutter free kitchen dancing in my head… the promise of all the things I could accomplish in the hour the kids sleep if I don’t go into the shop and waste my time making something that wont be that good anyway… In reality all those safe and menial tasks make me feel like a modern Sisyphus. 

But fear makes me forget that there is no end to the daily chores, that there will always be clothes in the dirty hamper, that no matter how hard I try I can not clear the clutter and mess faster than my two monsters can make it. 

An making art / being vulnerable is scary. Especially in a society that values art as a final product but doesnt always value what can be seen as the foolish and frivolous pursuit of making art. 

So right now, I’m just trying to show up. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

-r.n.a.

You should check out:

Brene Brown, Professor of the Dark Arts and Expert Advice Giver on how to defeat The Gremlins 

– This summary of the story of Sisyphus incase you didnt get the reference I made

– This amazing residency for mom’s if, like me, you are trying to navigate being a mom and an artist. 

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Use Your Words… 

Constructive criticism can be incredibly valuable. Critique was one of the worst/best parts of art school. It was the worst because it required a level of vulnerability. When done with a great group who understood the benefits of not just saying something superficial or nice like “You worked really hard,” it was the best. It created a dialogue to help you talk through your ideas, potentially gave you a new arsenal of inspiring artists to look at, and gave you a gauge of how well your idea was being articulated to an audience. 

 
After graduating the regular critiques ended. Sure I have a group of people I know that I can send photos too or video chat with who would talk through something I’m working on but I have to seek them out, put myself out there instead of showing up to the mandatory critique whose attendance and participation is a requirement if I want a good grade. 

When I do seek it out I ask things like: 

“Does this look dumb?”

“How weird does this look?”

“Am I stupid for thinking this works?”

“Stupid right?”

Talk about a meaningful conversation!

And it’s not just with something I’m making, it’s with anything I do. If I’m not sure about something I’m wearing: “I’m not making this work am I?” If I have an idea that I want an opinion on: “I know this idea is stupid but what do you think about (idea)?” It’s annoying just writing about it.

I’m constantly telling my two year old to use her words instead of whining… I need to take my own advice. Those style of questions are basically a grownup form of whining. Whining shuts everything down but your desire to get away from the whiner as quickly as you can. Or at least that’s my reaction. 

I’m trying to be more direct and clear. To ask things like, “I am having a hard time resolving this design aspect. Any thoughts?” Or “Could you give me your opinion on this? Wondering how I am doing with articulating my idea.” It leads to way more constructive dialogue than a pouty, “This looks dumb right?” 

As always thanks for reading,

-r.n.a. 

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The Beginning…

Today is the official start for my year long Artist Residency in Motherhood!!!!!!

I have been thinking and wanting to do this since I first heard about it over a year ago. At the time I was working full time and waiting for kiddo number 2’s arrival. I really liked the idea of the commitment but I lacked the courage so I pretended like I would do my own version of it which was code for “i’ll make a lot excuses so this never happens.”

I did dip my toes in the art making occasionally. Drawing became a great outlet in the weeks leading up to kid2’s arrival. After kid2 arrived she sometimes would take a nap at the same time as her sister and I would run to my studio as quietly as I could and then just stand there. Not sure what I could actually accomplish in 20minutes (or at all) I usually ended up trying to organize something or cleaned while promising myself that next time I would do something more creative.

It was thrilling.

Then I did what I am really good at doing and completely discredited any shred of creativity I was foolish enough to think I had. Awful stupid things that I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough at if I heard anyone else say them filled my head. The worst of them… ‘Grow up Ren, stop with this foolish art stuff.’

In Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly she calls it Shame Gremlins. And dirty little gremlins they are. She talks about how the more vulnerable you feel the worst the gremlins become… the lady knows what’s up. Every time I would even think about the potential of doing something art related the gremlins would spring to action, propelling down from the rafters shouting their war cry ‘REN SUCKS!!!!!’ The more I tried to ignore them the dirtier they played, knowing exactly what to say to shut me down.

Not to be all ‘This book totally changed my life..,’ but this book is totally changing my life.

I feel ready in a way that I just haven’t before. I am also tired of letting the gremlins run things and ruin something I really love doing, and that’s showing up in the studio to make art. 

What was going on while I was writing this post, seemed more accurate to chose the shot where none of us are looking. (This is also the reason for any spelling or grammatical errors in this post)

As always, thanks for reading!

-r.n.a.

 

You should check out:

Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly… Don’t forget to support your local bookstore if you can 

-Artist Residency in Motherhood’s website 

 

 

 

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